Education
FSU licensed therapist discusses family estrangement, reconciliation and the Royal Family
After six years of raising their family in California, the next chapter for Prince Harry and Meghan includes returning to the U.K. for an extended period at a non-royal residence. Their six-year estrangement from the Royal Family — and the possibility of reconciliation — reflect dynamics that are relatable to many non-royal families.
Family estrangement is becoming common in American families. Last year, a YouGov poll found that 38% of Americans adults say they are currently estranged from either a sibling, a parent, a child, a grandparent or a grandchild. Included in that poll, which surveyed 4,395 U.S. adult citizens, 16% of respondents said they are currently estranged from a parent.
Florida State University’s Nari Jeter is a licensed marriage and family therapist and an associate teaching professor in human development and family science. She has become a nationally recognized relationship expert who has been featured in USA Today, Newsweek, SELF Magazine, HuffPost, Fox News and more.
In 2020, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex’ estrangement from the Royal Family began due to several factors, including lack of palace support and constraints within the family that led to their decision to leave for the United States. According to Jeter, family dynamics where there is disagreement are relatable to families outside the spotlight.
“What’s especially familiar is the in-law dynamic,” Jeter said. “When a family doesn’t fully welcome a new partner, the person in the middle feels torn — to protect their spouse and translate actions on both sides. Often, that person feels like they can never win and keep both sides content, so they give up. This is where estrangement follows; it’s a way of reducing the immediate conflict within them and their family.”
Within the same YouGov Poll, individuals estranged from a child (70%) or grandchild (66%) were more likely to say they would consider reconciling with their family member. For Prince Harry, he remains estranged from his brother, William — The Prince of Wales. The Sussexes are expected to remain private citizens while in the U.K. However, there is a possibility of healing the family rift with his father, King Charles III.
The pathway to reconciliation, according to Jeter, often begins with humility and acceptance.
“Most reconciliation that I’ve seen starts with someone recognizing that wanting to be ‘right’ isn’t working,” Jeter said. “There is humility in recognizing that they could have done some things wrong or hurtful, even unintentionally. They don’t completely give up their views, but they accept that the other person can see things differently and it doesn’t have to be a threat to the relationship.”
Media interested in understanding family estrangement and reconciliation through the lens of the Royal Family may reach out to Nari Jeter via email at nari.jeter@fsu.edu.
Nari Jeter, licensed marriage and family therapist, Florida State University
Family estrangements involving notable figures can be quite different from everyday situations because they play out in front of the public. But in a situation like the Royal Family, what are some relatable concepts?
“It’s a common story that one person decides to step away from the family they come from to protect the family they made. That’s a pattern I see in my office every week. This kind of estrangement typically doesn’t come from one single blow-up, but from many moments where someone doesn’t feel seen, heard, or respected when it comes to their new family boundaries. This is especially true when that family member feels pressure to choose between being loyal to themselves (and their new family) or the family they come from.”
“Contrary to popular belief, estrangement isn’t about an absence of love. Many people who are cut off from their families feel grief, sadness and longing long after estrangement happened. Estrangement happens when love doesn’t feel safe, protected and respected.”
The pathway to reconciliation can be a long process. When you see families reconcile, what are some of the things that often lead to that final step?
“Another step usually comes with an apology or acknowledgement without justification or excuses. This is where emotional validation goes a long way. “I’m sorry I hurt you” or “I can tell I really disappointed you” isn’t an agreement on how they saw it, but it’s recognizing impact. People feel seen and heard when we accept their feelings. Most estranged family members aren’t looking for grand acts in reconciliation. One good apology or acknowledgement can really push the door open to reconnection.”
“Lastly, it’s common to see a significant life event cracking the door open: family sickness, a wedding, a birth, a death. Time and separation won’t heal estrangement, but an event that brings shared purpose or meaning to the family can motivate families to try. It’s important to not jump back into old roles and routines. Family members need to clearly communicate what wasn’t working before and talk about new expectations and boundaries. Small, sustainable, successful changes are the target. Short visits and weekly phone chats are a good starting point to rebuilding trust and connection. Reconciliation takes effort on both sides. It requires grace and humility, and the ability to see past our own hurts to the landscape of someone else’s life.”
